If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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