Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
