So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you win again, gameday.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.