i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i out mim tonsoeep
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