ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
