Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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