i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
