Will you blow on my dice?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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