i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
