Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
