im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
