I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
