OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
