I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
