I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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