cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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