ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
