i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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