These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
