I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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