The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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