I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The Olympian is in my bed
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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