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I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
