New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is Oprah even human
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
