Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
