Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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