Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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