My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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