i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
