Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
