my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
