Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Randomize
