she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
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Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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