On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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