Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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