i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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