I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
