how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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