The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
