and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
