On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
