omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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