So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Ladies don't puke and tell
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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