you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
