I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
