my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
