I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
