then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
