i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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