do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
