Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
