It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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