3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Is Oprah even human
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
