Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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