Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
