I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
