I just pynch a tree in the face
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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