I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
