i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
